In this story we won't be travelling to galaxies afar where two war-like species threaten the others very existence, we won't even be travelling back along the dark corridors of time to the prehistoric era, where good old Tyrannosaurus Rex will be ripping the throat out of some lesser dinosaur, and we won't even be travelling to the very bowels of hell to see Lucifer ruling over his hordes of demons and demonic creatures of the night, ok, so where will we be travelling to.
Well, were going to a little public library in a small village called Paxford which is in Gloucestershire. In this library there are only two librarians, one of which is a middle-aged spinster (a middle age single lady for the uniniciated) who goes by the name of Miss Enid Fothringale, but she not the one we're interested in, no, it's her assistant, a young lad who goes by the name of Jonathan. This lad is about 23 years old, he doesn't have a girlfriend, he's still living at home with his 72 year old mum, his dad passed away some years ago. Jonathan rarely drinks, he doesn't smoke, he's a great railway/trainspotter enthusiast, he never swears, he'd rather say "Flippin' eck" that some bad swear word, he also wears pyjamas in bed and never goes to sleep without his favourite teddy called "Moses"
Why is his teddy called Moses you might be asking, well, I think that it's to do with the fact that one night, a couple of years ago, Jonathan went to Miss Fothringales home for a bit of a social evening with some friends of hers from the local church where she goes. They were all drinking tea at first, but someone decided to hype the night up and opened a bottle of Sherry. Poor old Jonathan drank 3 little glasses of the stuff and an hour or so later was pissed as a fart. Two men from this social evening carried Jonathan home. Apparently, about 2.15 am the next morning Jonathan badly needed to take a leak, he got out of bed, staggered around for a bit, and was sure that he had walked to the loo which was just a short way along the landing from his bedroom. Thinking that he was in the loo he proceeded to have a pee, suddenly he came to his senses and realised that he wasn't in loo but was still in his room, and the worst part about it was that he was weeing all over his teddy, who up till then hadn't got a name.
Seeing his wee hitting his teddy on the head and splashing into two different directions made him decide then to called his teddy bear "Moses". Moses had parted the Red sea, Jonathan and his ted had parted his wee.
Anyway, I digress from the story, so here we have a very well mannered, quiet, shy lad, who basically doesn't have much in the way of excitement in his life, but all is not as it seems, this young naive lad under the surface isn't what we all think he is, read on........
On the 9th of March every year Jonathan pays homage to one of his long since gone great ancestors, who just happened to be "Conan The Barbarian". On this night of Conan's death, Jonathan makes his way to a wooded area a mile or so out of his village, he dresses up in a very similar costume that Conan his ancestor once wore in his great days as a warrior and our young lad Jonathan is, as if by magic, was transformed into "Jonathan The Librarian"...., not forgetting to wear the nice mauve woolly hat and scarf & gloves that his gran knitted for him some months prior to all this Jonathan heads out into the night to begin his rampage.
In a following 6-hour frenzy, armed with a long stick and a 6 month overdue library book on genetics, that has recently proved that the politician Robin Cook was a genetic splice between an orang-outang and Gonzo of muppet fame and sitting astride his push-bike "Jonathan The Librarian" wreaks havoc on the locals in Paxford. He rides down the little High Street and knocks every door one at a time and quickly rides away. He then rides to the local convent, smashes down the front door, storms into the nuns quarters and has his wicked way with three or 4 nuns and the Mother superior. Have the nuns decided to leave their convent and find another safe place of solitude? No way, they reckon that Jonathan has spiced up their bloody lives a hell of a lot, and Jonathan loved their dirty habits.
He storms into the local shop verbally abusing the old shop keeper and then he proceeds to pillage the shop, well this is what he really says and does "Hey you Mr Gibson, gimme two bottles of lemonade and two bags of cheese and onion crisps NOW!!! or I'll leave the front door open all night, and guess what old man", Mr Gibson is now quaking in his slippers, and in a very shaky voice says "What Jonathan", "I won't even pay for my loot ok" replies Jonathan, and off he rides into the night.
He rides like the wind as though he was possessed by Conan, well, really, the road he's riding is all down-hill, anyway, Jonathan now seeks amusement, so with a mile or so ride to look forward to, he makes his way to a new Tesco's superstore which has just been built a few months ago at the edge of his village, there he amuses himself by turning over shopping trolleys and walking up to the automatic doors to open then but not to go inside, he walks past all the cars and touches them so as to start their internal car alarms off which makes all their owners come out of the store in a frenzy to switch the alarms off again.
He does the twice maybe three more times, but soon grows weary of this amusement and seeks other sorts of amusement, he makes his way to the local park and to the drinking fountain, using his big stick he damages the lever that is used to turn the water on and off, leaving the fresh drinking water shooting out like a column of oil from an oil well, he then makes his way to the little playground, where he squeezes superglue on the seats of all the swings, lard on the slide and the roundabout, then hides in some bushes to gloat over his unscrupulous deeds, he sees parents putting their young ones onto the swings, pushing them for a while, then trying to take the kids off again, but without much success.
During this reign of terror our Jonathan did damage 4 policeman's helmets (this part is for adults) he'll be charged accordingly later this year.
Jonathan's next dastardly deed saw him running into his local chippy and asking for 20 large portions of chips, 8 pieces of haddock, 6 pieces of cod, 4 cod roe, 4 large pots of mushy peas, 4 burgers in batter, 4 pickled eggs and then he proceeds to wave his jumbo sausage around, but escaped arrest when the arresting officer showed Jonathan his prawn balls, then Jonathan rushes out of the shop ready for his next evil deed.
The early hours of the morning was fastly approaching, so he decided to do just one more all time bad deed, he made his way into the yard of his local dairy, and while all the milkmen were busy clocking in and getting ready for their relevant deliveries Jonathan made a mad dash around 3 of the milk floats and squeezed superglue around most of the milkbottles, "hehe, now let's see those bloody milkmen make a speedy delivery this morning", soon after this last deed Jonathan started to feel the strain of his evil night had finally caught up with him, he hopped onto his bike but soon yelped in sheer agony as he soon realised that some bugger had pinched his saddle, leaving just the saddle stem to do it's worse on our young warriors arse, he then made his way home, went to bed ready for the next onslaught in the library next day as "Jonathan the well- mannered librarian"......Good night folks.